Fear

Well this is my second blog and I decided to make it about my fears.  I didn't lose any weight this week and thought it would do me good to really open up about myself.  Maybe gain some perspective in the process which is really what the blog is all about for me.  The bottom line is that I really need to increase my game.  If I don't get uncomfortable then nothing will ever change!


"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt
I have known for years now that I am afraid of failing.  I have tried losing weight many times and have only been successful a few times.  You may know that sometimes I can be a bit of a perfectionist. In my mind I think I am only going to fail so why bother even trying.  Not sure exactly where this fear came from, but I  have some ideas.  There were certain teachers in high school that loved making dumb blond jokes.  Most of the time I ignored these jokes from kids my own age, but from the teachers I couldn't.  I decided to push myself harder to prove I am not a dumb blond.  Another class I had wasn't about me being blond it was about me being the only girl.  I took a computer graphics course in high school and was the only girl in the class.  Major focus on me then!  Since I had all this attention I had to push myself to not fail.  I can be a bit competitive which is why I don't get involved in a lot of games, sports, etc.  I don't want to look foolish and have people make fun of me.  If I can't be the best, I just don't bother trying.  I realize now that fear of failing has made me miss out on fun times with friends and family along with interfering with my weight and health.

To contradict my fear of failing is my fear of succeeding.  This is where my OCD comes into play.  Some of you know that when  I get something in my head I sort of get a little nutty and don't stop until the task is complete.  I have a tendency to always be obsessing about something.  Well it recently came to me that maybe I am afraid to actual lose the weight because then what will happen.  What will be my next focus?  I mean the wedding is done and the house is redecorated.  Now what?  What would I do with all that free space in my head?  Needless to say this obsession thing that I have has stressed me out numerous times and probably drove a lot of people crazy.  My apologies for that and I am going to try to keep it better under control.

Now for my newest realized fear.  I have a fear of abandonment. This is I think is my underlining fear that causes me to eat stuff I shouldn't which then brings into play my other fears.  For as long as I can remember, I have always tried to be good to my friends.  However, for whatever reason they would stop being my friends.  Maybe I wasn't cool enough.  Maybe they got a boyfriend.  No matter what the reason was they wouldn't stay around very long.  This lead me to put up a wall to protect myself.  I stopped trying to get close to people because I thought they would just leave.  I never felt good enough to really open up and be myself.  A lot of times I would be the one to push people away so I could be the one leaving not the other way around.  I really noticed this problem with Jeremy.  I was constantly afraid of him finding someone better and leaving me.  It took me years to truly feel comfortable about being myself around him.  I just never felt good enough.  Things didn't change until he finally proposed and then it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

These fears all contributed to my weight problem.  One would think that now that I know what got me here that it would be easy to change it. I am betting some of those people have never had a weight problem. As much as I would like to get the weight off quickly, its really impossible to retrain my brain that fast.  Imagine trying to learn a different way to tie your shoes or brush your teeth.  Learning a different way to look at food is the same thing for those of us with weight problems.  I think right not the easiest thing for me would be to increase my workouts.  If I am consistent, I have no doubt, especially working out to Jillian Michaels, that I can do this.  That lady is definitely due her on blog.  See ya next week!