Well this is my second blog and I decided to make it about my fears. I didn't lose any weight this week and thought it would do me good to really open up about myself. Maybe gain some perspective in the process which is really what the blog is all about for me. The bottom line is that I really need to increase my game. If I don't get uncomfortable then nothing will ever change!
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
I have known for years now that I am afraid of failing. I have tried losing weight many times and have only been successful a few times. You may know that sometimes I can be a bit of a perfectionist. In my mind I think I am only going to fail so why bother even trying. Not sure exactly where this fear came from, but I have some ideas. There were certain teachers in high school that loved making dumb blond jokes. Most of the time I ignored these jokes from kids my own age, but from the teachers I couldn't. I decided to push myself harder to prove I am not a dumb blond. Another class I had wasn't about me being blond it was about me being the only girl. I took a computer graphics course in high school and was the only girl in the class. Major focus on me then! Since I had all this attention I had to push myself to not fail. I can be a bit competitive which is why I don't get involved in a lot of games, sports, etc. I don't want to look foolish and have people make fun of me. If I can't be the best, I just don't bother trying. I realize now that fear of failing has made me miss out on fun times with friends and family along with interfering with my weight and health.
To contradict my fear of failing is my fear of succeeding. This is where my OCD comes into play. Some of you know that when I get something in my head I sort of get a little nutty and don't stop until the task is complete. I have a tendency to always be obsessing about something. Well it recently came to me that maybe I am afraid to actual lose the weight because then what will happen. What will be my next focus? I mean the wedding is done and the house is redecorated. Now what? What would I do with all that free space in my head? Needless to say this obsession thing that I have has stressed me out numerous times and probably drove a lot of people crazy. My apologies for that and I am going to try to keep it better under control.
Now for my newest realized fear. I have a fear of abandonment. This is I think is my underlining fear that causes me to eat stuff I shouldn't which then brings into play my other fears. For as long as I can remember, I have always tried to be good to my friends. However, for whatever reason they would stop being my friends. Maybe I wasn't cool enough. Maybe they got a boyfriend. No matter what the reason was they wouldn't stay around very long. This lead me to put up a wall to protect myself. I stopped trying to get close to people because I thought they would just leave. I never felt good enough to really open up and be myself. A lot of times I would be the one to push people away so I could be the one leaving not the other way around. I really noticed this problem with Jeremy. I was constantly afraid of him finding someone better and leaving me. It took me years to truly feel comfortable about being myself around him. I just never felt good enough. Things didn't change until he finally proposed and then it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
These fears all contributed to my weight problem. One would think that now that I know what got me here that it would be easy to change it. I am betting some of those people have never had a weight problem. As much as I would like to get the weight off quickly, its really impossible to retrain my brain that fast. Imagine trying to learn a different way to tie your shoes or brush your teeth. Learning a different way to look at food is the same thing for those of us with weight problems. I think right not the easiest thing for me would be to increase my workouts. If I am consistent, I have no doubt, especially working out to Jillian Michaels, that I can do this. That lady is definitely due her on blog. See ya next week!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Um, how did I get here??????
Time for some reflecting on how I got here.
After college graduation in 1999, I packed on 15lbs in about 2yrs give or take. I guess my freshman 15 came a little late. I did not like this extra weight at all so I started a well known diet program (a blog to come later). I was successful and lost the weight, but it didn't stay off. I believe it came back pretty quickly, but can't really remember.
In 2003, I was having problems in my life and really just lost focus on being healthy. In August of that year, I decided to end an 8yr relationship with my boyfriend. Well that freaked me out. Dating?? At 150lbs??? So I went on another well known diet program and lost the 15lbs. That is when I met Jeremy. I guess after that I gave up trying to stay fit and healthy because I had my man. HE HE HE HE!!!!
In 2005, Jeremy and I decided to move in together. What an emotional trip that was!!! We had our first fights then and boy was I homesick. Not to mention that I was stuck in a dead end job and was still dealing with the death of my beloved dog China. Well I finally decided to change jobs. It was at this new job that I got into my next diet program. I lost the weight again and then around the same time I got fired. I had never been fired before and was completely beside myself. So needless to say I went to food for my comfort. Later on down the road I would come to realize that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me.
In 2007, Jeremy and I decided to move to a new location and I got a job a Delahunty Nurseries and Florist. Which I still love to this day!!! During that winter, I fell down my back stairs while I was putting Gracie out. I didn't think much of it and just dealt with it over a few months, but then the pain got worse. It basically hurt to move so I did as little physical activity as possible. Then I started have sciatic pain and the doctors realized I had a slipped disk that was causing nerve damage in my left leg. After months of being inactive, I had increased my weight to 200lbs before I went in for my surgery. I was told at that time that I needed to lose weight or I was going to end up in a wheel chair. Well that was it for me. It was a little bit of a struggle to get the ball rolling, but once it did the weight came off easily. My goal was to keep going and lose another 35lbs, but I didn't know at that point what lied ahead for me. Now what I didn't mention is that during everything that had been going on, I had been experiencing random episodes of being violently ill. They would last until my stomach was empty and then I felt better. I just chalked it up to being a fluke thing and would forget about it until the next incident.
The beginning of 2009 was great. Jeremy and I went on a wonderful vacation and I was focused on losing weight when we got back. However, not long after we got back I had 3 people die within a few weeks of each other. I lost it. I decided to really indulge on junk. This giant indulgence caused another episode of being violently ill. Turns out I had gallstones. So lets have another operation. I could never seem to get back on track after that. And then my aunt/godmother lost her battle with breast cancer at the end of 2009. That year was a total bust. I didn't gain though so at least I had that going for me.
After a year of hell.....well 2010 can only be better, right? Better is an understatement. Jeremy and I went on a wonderful trip to Costa Rica. This is where Jeremy proposed. Great now lets have a year long engagement and I can lose the rest of the weight. Wrong!!! My new dear sister-in-law wanted to go into the Peace Corps. I would never get married without her so we decided to get married in 9 months before she left. Plan a wedding and lose 35lbs in 9 months. Well that's just crazy talk. It didn't happen and I ended up staying about the same weight for another year. But now its 2011, and there are no more excuses. I know why I am here. I know what my problems were. I went through dead end job after dead end job. Well that's fixed now. My fears (another blog for another day) have all been realized and I am ready to conquer them. It's time to finish this once and for all!!!!!!
After college graduation in 1999, I packed on 15lbs in about 2yrs give or take. I guess my freshman 15 came a little late. I did not like this extra weight at all so I started a well known diet program (a blog to come later). I was successful and lost the weight, but it didn't stay off. I believe it came back pretty quickly, but can't really remember.
In 2003, I was having problems in my life and really just lost focus on being healthy. In August of that year, I decided to end an 8yr relationship with my boyfriend. Well that freaked me out. Dating?? At 150lbs??? So I went on another well known diet program and lost the 15lbs. That is when I met Jeremy. I guess after that I gave up trying to stay fit and healthy because I had my man. HE HE HE HE!!!!
In 2005, Jeremy and I decided to move in together. What an emotional trip that was!!! We had our first fights then and boy was I homesick. Not to mention that I was stuck in a dead end job and was still dealing with the death of my beloved dog China. Well I finally decided to change jobs. It was at this new job that I got into my next diet program. I lost the weight again and then around the same time I got fired. I had never been fired before and was completely beside myself. So needless to say I went to food for my comfort. Later on down the road I would come to realize that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me.
In 2007, Jeremy and I decided to move to a new location and I got a job a Delahunty Nurseries and Florist. Which I still love to this day!!! During that winter, I fell down my back stairs while I was putting Gracie out. I didn't think much of it and just dealt with it over a few months, but then the pain got worse. It basically hurt to move so I did as little physical activity as possible. Then I started have sciatic pain and the doctors realized I had a slipped disk that was causing nerve damage in my left leg. After months of being inactive, I had increased my weight to 200lbs before I went in for my surgery. I was told at that time that I needed to lose weight or I was going to end up in a wheel chair. Well that was it for me. It was a little bit of a struggle to get the ball rolling, but once it did the weight came off easily. My goal was to keep going and lose another 35lbs, but I didn't know at that point what lied ahead for me. Now what I didn't mention is that during everything that had been going on, I had been experiencing random episodes of being violently ill. They would last until my stomach was empty and then I felt better. I just chalked it up to being a fluke thing and would forget about it until the next incident.
The beginning of 2009 was great. Jeremy and I went on a wonderful vacation and I was focused on losing weight when we got back. However, not long after we got back I had 3 people die within a few weeks of each other. I lost it. I decided to really indulge on junk. This giant indulgence caused another episode of being violently ill. Turns out I had gallstones. So lets have another operation. I could never seem to get back on track after that. And then my aunt/godmother lost her battle with breast cancer at the end of 2009. That year was a total bust. I didn't gain though so at least I had that going for me.
After a year of hell.....well 2010 can only be better, right? Better is an understatement. Jeremy and I went on a wonderful trip to Costa Rica. This is where Jeremy proposed. Great now lets have a year long engagement and I can lose the rest of the weight. Wrong!!! My new dear sister-in-law wanted to go into the Peace Corps. I would never get married without her so we decided to get married in 9 months before she left. Plan a wedding and lose 35lbs in 9 months. Well that's just crazy talk. It didn't happen and I ended up staying about the same weight for another year. But now its 2011, and there are no more excuses. I know why I am here. I know what my problems were. I went through dead end job after dead end job. Well that's fixed now. My fears (another blog for another day) have all been realized and I am ready to conquer them. It's time to finish this once and for all!!!!!!
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